I’m Channeling Merle Kessler

Thanks to Billy Crystal, the Pirates are not only inept, but they’re now a side-show attraction.

Ian Sholes is the pen name of Merle Kessler. I was introduced to his work in the 1980s, when he was on ‘Nightline’ all the time and I was a college student who was UP when ‘Nightline’ was on. Not that I was watching it, I was busy playing Strat-O-Matic leagues with my friends and slowly memorizing the Baseball Encyclopedia.

Anyway, something Merle wrote describes exactly how I feel about the last few days of spring training news. To quote “It’s my responsibility to say No in a world that says Yes to every lame idea that comes down the pike”. What’s gotten me so riled up? Two things, Billy Crystal and Tommy Lasorda.

I’m sure Billy Crystal has been played breathlessly on ‘Sports Center’ by now about 150 times, and will be served up at least one more time on Sunday on ‘Outside the Lines’. Oh, the anchors will drone on and on about how wonderful it is, Billy is such a wonderful ambassador for the game, etc. It makes me ill. How cute he gets to go up against the team that broke his heart in 1960, winning the World Series over his beloved Mickey Mantle. It’s payback time! My anger really isn’t at Billy Crystal, as it is at the Pirates. They have devolved into a side- show attraction, a carny act. Like every other goofy fan, the Pirates MEAN something to me. I can’t begin to adequately describe how much their 15 years of ineptitude hurts. I used to still have my illusions of competence in spring training, about all that was left, and now they are taking THAT away?

Topping that off, I saw Lasorda managing a spring training game, and got to listen to him drone away on Jim Rome’s show. I’ve gritted my teeth while having to listen to various blowhards go on and on about him over the years, he bleeds Dodger blue, he’s a national treasure. Oh the humanity. I can’t stand him, and theorize that the only reason he is still alive is that Satan himself isn’t looking forward to seeing him down there either. He’s a despicable human being, in my opinion. He got his job managing by oh so suavely stabbing Walter Alston in the back on every occasion. His bloviation captivated sportswriters for quite a long spell, so that almost any Dodger rookie to come up was named Rookie of the Year. Rick Sutcliffe, Steve Howe, Fernando Valenzuela, Steve Sax. Can’t argue Valenzuela, but then in the ’90s we were treated to Eric Karros, Mike Piazza, Raul Mondesi, Hideo Nomo AND Todd Hollandsworth. Again, can’t argue Piazza, but the rest?

Maybe Tommy’s been a great father, and outstanding civic minded person? Don’t ask him how his son died. He did, though, name a gym after Tommy Jr. Couldn’t accept him for who he was, though. Somehow this jagoff is a national treasure? I think we can do better.

Ok, so I’m bitter. But I’m not bitter for no reason.