June 1, 2020

Mid-Season Awards, Part 2

July 9, 2009 by · Leave a Comment 

Without further ado, here are the “24” Day 7 mid-season awards for Major League Baseball in 2009.  To see Part 1 of the awards, click here.

The Janeane Garofalo as Janis Gold “Damn, you got old” Award goes to David Ortiz. Janeane Garofalo got old since the last time I saw her.  Really old.  Like so old that I’m so glad I didn’t have my HDTV when this season of “24” aired.

When the Red Sox played the Yankees in past years, Ortiz was so dangerous that I’d have to change my pants after every one of his at bats.  Now, he’s still got power, but he has a ton of holes in his swing.  At the time I write this sentence, Ortiz was hitting .225 with a .318 OBP, and didn’t hit his first homerun of the season until June 6.

Runners up: Jason Varitek, Jamie Moyer, Hank Blalock, B.J. Ryan

The guy, who plays Billy Walsh, “When does Entourage come back on?” Award is dedicated to any pitcher facing Albert Pujols.  Rhys Coiro, the actor behind psychotic director Billy Walsh on “Entourage,” mysteriously appeared as a corrupt, philandering, and overall uninspired FBI analyst early in this season of “24.”  He went through every scene with a longing look, as if he expected some beautiful topless woman to walk through the door behind Adrian Grenier.  Pitchers attack Pujols, who is succeeding at an unheard of level (.336, .427 OBP, 31 HR, 82 RBI through 84 games), with the same mentality.  They just want to survive this painful experience, and live to collect their paychecks down the road.

Runner up: Julian Tavarez

The President Allison Taylor “Inconsequential leader” Award named for the President that allowed her husband to be shot, her son to be murdered and framed for suicide, and turned her own daughter in for murder is bestowed upon Clint Hurdle.  Hurdle and replacement manager Jim Tracy presided over the exact same personnel on the 2009 Colorado Rockies.  Yet in 46 games, Hurdle went 18-28 while Tracy has led the Rockies to the tune of 26-11 and back into contention in the NL West.

Runners up: Jerry Manuel, Manny Acta

The First Gentleman Henry Taylor “I really am as ineffective as the title ‘First Gentleman’ suggests” Award falls to Manny Acta.  In a particularly tense moment, the Sangalan nationalists kidnap the President’s husband.  One of the cabinet members informed her of this turn of events by saying, “The first gentleman has gone missing.”  I laughed.  For like ten minutes.  Out loud.  Is there any more emasculating title than ‘First Gentleman?’  I can only think of one: ‘Manager of the Washington Nationals.’

Acta sits in the Washington dugout wearing the same faraway, mournful look as Henry Taylor watching his wife remand his only daughter to federal custody.

Runner up: Dusty Baker for his work on the Cincinnati Reds.  Sometimes the only way I know he’s awake is if that toothpick is still moving in his mouth.

The Renee Walker “Rookie of the Year” Award has obviously not been decided yet, but  Atlanta’s Tommy Hanson (4-0, 2.25 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 1.28 K/BB, 5.8 K/9) and Toronto’s Ricky Romero (6-3, 2.85 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 2.54 K/BB, 7.6 K/9) are the front-runners.  Romero is more like Agent Walker than Hanson.

While the FBI and government crumbled around her due to the corruption and widespread conspiracy, Renee looked to Jack for support.  Initially, an avid opponent of torture and Jack’s “whatever means necessary” approach, Renee came to see the importance of Jack’s existence.  Also, just like any good partner of Jack’s she found herself held hostage by him at one point. Ultimately, without Jack and Renee working together, America would have suffered from a series of devastating attacks.

Similarly, while the Toronto rotation fell apart as a result of injuries, Romero has proven himself to be a dominant starter.  In his last three starts, before allowing a run to the Yankees in the fifth, Romero had gone 23 straight innings without allowing a run.  At the same time, he has been receiving an on-the-job education from veteran ace Roy Halladay.  Without Romero and Halladay, the Blue Jays would not be 6 games over .500.

Runners up: Elvis Andrus, Pablo Sandoval

The Jack Bauer “I’m getting this done by any means necessary” Award goes to Ichiro Suzuki for his 10th inning game-winning at bat in the WBC final.  If there was a theme to this season of “24” it was Jack’s willingness to go above and beyond the law to protect the country and people he loves.  Where others would balk at shooting someone’s wife in the knee to extract information, Jack wades in, at no insignificant cost to himself and his personal relationships.  Nevertheless, whether he’s being tortured by Chinese nationalists, being betrayed by his loved ones, or suffering from an incurable neuro-toxin, in the end, Jack will get the bad guy.

The same holds true for Ichiro.  With two strikes on him and two outs in the tenth inning, Ichiro simply refused to give in.  He fouled off a pitch that bounced, followed by a fastball at the top of the zone.  It didn’t matter where the pitch was located, Ichiro was going to put a bat on it.  On the eighth pitch of the at-bat, Ichiro roped a single to center and secured Japan’s second WBC title.

Runner up: Joe Mauer and his scary-good return from debilitating back problems

The Bill Buchanan “Lifetime Achievement” Award is conferred to Ken Griffey Jr. This season, Bill Buchanan, the longtime director of CTU, gave his life protecting the President during a siege on the White House.  We watched Bill evolve from a rookie bureaucrat to a grizzled All-Star running covert operations with rogue agents, all for the good of the country.  Bill’s record speaks for itself.

3 Seasons as head of CTU

1 Faking of Jack Bauer’s death to allow him to escape from government custody
1 Arrest of a corrupt President
1 Marriage to Karen Hayes
1 Shady trade with the Chinese for the return of Jack Bauer
2 Cases of disobeying the law to help Jack escape federal custody
1 Silent clock after sacrificing himself for the good of the nation

Because he’s been past his prime for a few seasons now, people forget the magnificence that was Ken Griffey, Jr.  Every kid in the schoolyard imitated that sweet swing of his, while nobody could reproduce the sheer ease with which he glided around centerfield.  He was the best player in baseball throughout the ‘90s, and with every new revelation regarding some All-Star’s PED use, Griffey’s legacy grows stronger.  We watched his development from a lanky 18-year-old patrolling centerfield in the Kingdome to his current incarnation as a wily veteran, schooling youngsters on the ways of the game and soaking up the love in Seattle’s Safeco Park.  Despite injuries throughout many of the ‘00s, Griffey’s numbers and accolades speak for themselves.

Career: .286, .378 OBP, 621 HR, 1798 RBI,
Postseason: .290, .367 OBP, 6 HR, 11 RBI, in 18 games
13 All-Star games
10 Gold Gloves
7 Silver Sluggers

Runner up: Randy Johnson and his 300 wins.

Josh Deitch is all over the web.  Follow him on Twitter.

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