{"id":1956,"date":"2010-01-12T18:49:00","date_gmt":"2010-01-13T01:49:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.seamheads.com\/blog\/?p=1956"},"modified":"2010-01-12T18:49:00","modified_gmt":"2010-01-13T01:49:00","slug":"baseball-over-the-counter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/2010\/01\/12\/baseball-over-the-counter\/","title":{"rendered":"Baseball: Over the Counter"},"content":{"rendered":"

MLB Owners used Mark McGwire and steroids to rejuvenate baseball.<\/em><\/p>\n

Why couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t we use pharmaceuticals to fix all of baseball\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s concerns?<\/em><\/p>\n

On Monday afternoon, Mark McGwire officially admitted to using steroids.\u00c2\u00a0 In response, a riveted American public yawned, stretched, and changed the channel to MTV.\u00c2\u00a0 After all, Jersey Shore<\/em> had come back from commercial.<\/p>\n

At this point, do we really care about apologies from PED users?\u00c2\u00a0 Does any admission of guilt or apology change our perception of the steroid era in Major League Baseball?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>To put it another way, my buddy Coco sent me the following email: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I filed McGwire’s admission under N, for No S–t Sherlock…I’m so sick of this garbage.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know why he referenced the new Robert Downey, Jr. movie, but I share his sentiment.\u00c2\u00a0 I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want any more admissions, confessions, or fact-finding investigations.\u00c2\u00a0 I just want this whole situation to fade into obscurity, like Steve Guttenberg\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s career.<\/p>\n

In the mid-\u00e2\u20ac\u02dc90s, the MLB brass decided that, in a sport where fans utilize statistics to compare players of different eras, they would sacrifice the integrity of those numbers in order to save their bottom lines.\u00c2\u00a0 Basically, all the snake oil salesmen that run professional baseball tacitly decided to accept the use of PEDs in the game so that these chemically enhanced sluggers could \u00e2\u20ac\u0153save baseball.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 In the process, they gave a collective middle finger to their longtime fans.<\/p>\n

Despite all that, look at the game today.\u00c2\u00a0 Baseball is financially stronger than it has ever been.\u00c2\u00a0 Advertising, attendance, and revenue have steadily risen throughout the decade, and Major League Baseball is now an international brand.\u00c2\u00a0 At the end of the day, the owners used steroids to fix a problem in their product.<\/p>\n

What if we follow their lead?\u00c2\u00a0 The modern game has some flaws.\u00c2\u00a0 What would happen if we used the miracles of modern medicine to solve these issues?<\/p>\n

Problem #1: Games are too long
\nThe Solution:<\/strong> A powerful laxative.\u00c2\u00a0 A few hours before the first pitch, we could slip some Ex-Lax in the starting pitcher\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pregame Red Bull.\u00c2\u00a0 With the equivalent of the Battle of Gettysburg raging in his large intestine, I would be very surprised to see the pitcher shake off his catcher, throw over to first, or even step off the rubber.<\/p>\n

Nine innings of baseball would take less time than it would to watch the series finale of Seinfeld<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Problem #2:<\/strong> The specialization of the bullpen
\nThe Solution:<\/strong> Morphine.\u00c2\u00a0 It won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make the pitching any better, but if we take it before the sixth inning, any appearance by Brian Bass would leave viewers a lot happier.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Problem #3:\u00c2\u00a0 Postseason games start too late
\nThe Solution:<\/strong> Viagra.\u00c2\u00a0 We might not be able to subsidize the difference between primetime advertising prices and what networks would earn at six or seven p.m.\u00c2\u00a0 However, we would be able to stay up longer.<\/p>\n

Sorry.\u00c2\u00a0 Even I cringed at that last joke.<\/p>\n

Problem #4:<\/strong> The growing competitive divide between big and small market teams
\nThe Solution: <\/strong>Marijuana, legally obtained of course.\u00c2\u00a0 Get Bud Selig and Michael Weiner, the head of the MLBPA, in the right frame of mind and then lock them in a room together.\u00c2\u00a0 Furnish Selig with an empty box of Oreos, Weiner with an empty bag of Doritos, and then tell them that they can only order a pizza when a fair deal has been reached for everyone.\u00c2\u00a0 Within less than an hour, the MLB would have a salary cap and payroll minimum, progressive revenue sharing, a thoughtfully constructed plan for fixing the World Baseball Classic, Selig and Weiner would have devoured an extra-large meat-lovers pie, and they would have single-handedly led America out of its financial crisis.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m pretty sure the Geneva Convention was carried out in a similar fashion.<\/p>\n

I think we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re on to something here.\u00c2\u00a0 From misbehaving kids to high blood pressure, our society uses pharmaceuticals to fix all challenges.\u00c2\u00a0 Why shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t we apply that to professional sports?<\/p>\n

How would you use drugs to make baseball healthier?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

MLB Owners used Mark McGwire and steroids to rejuvenate baseball. Why couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t we use pharmaceuticals to fix all of baseball\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s concerns?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":53,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[44],"class_list":["post-1956","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general","tag-baseball-sherlockholmes-mcgwire"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1956","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/53"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1956"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1956\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1956"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1956"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1956"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}