{"id":4234,"date":"2010-04-16T17:07:34","date_gmt":"2010-04-17T00:07:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.seamheads.com\/?p=4234"},"modified":"2010-04-16T17:07:34","modified_gmt":"2010-04-17T00:07:34","slug":"real-baseball-fans","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/seamheads.com\/blog\/2010\/04\/16\/real-baseball-fans\/","title":{"rendered":"Real Baseball Fans"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yes, even though the game of baseball seems to be a shell of what it once was, many of us continue to be avid fans. Just WHAT constitutes a REAL fan? Well, you absolutely<\/em> know you’re a TRUE baseball fan if:<\/p>\n

*you use pine tar to seal envelopes
\n*you’re female and use burnt cork\/eye black instead of mascara
\n*you’re a male on a first date and the gal asks if you expect to “score” that night. You respond, “Only if we get timely hitting, steal some bases, and effectively move up base runners”
\n*you enjoy viewing\/examining daily box scores more than skimming through the latest edition of Penthouse<\/em>
\n*you refer to any person living in a downstairs apartment as a “cellar dweller”
\n*you signal to an imaginary bullpen when your wife tells you to take the garbage out
\n*you CRINGE whenever you hear the sound of a ball hit off an aluminum bat
\n*you remember when the Pirates’ Richie Hebner used to dig graves in the off-season
\n*the smell of popcorn, peanuts, and hot dogs gets you more excited than the 2010 Hooters calendar
\n*when your bathroom is being used, you have an on-deck circle outside the door for the next person to wait in
\n*you prefer sitting in the bleachers rather than occupying any “suit” seat at Yankee Stadium
\n*you have the National Anthem played before every meal
\n*you stop eating, get up and stretch, and proceed to sing “God Bless America” 3\/4 of the way through dinner
\n*when your wife serves you a “can of corn,” you immediately think of an easy catch by a defensive player
\n*when that same wife asks you to “clean up,” you think of the fourth player in a team’s batting order
\n*the majority of the beer you’ve imbibed during your lifetime had names like Ballantine, Rheingold, or Schaefer
\n*you kick dirt on your spouse’s shoes during an argument
\n*you order NOTHING but the Grand Slam breakfast when dining at Denny’s
\n*you try to grow ivy on any stone wall in your yard
\n*your doorbell plays “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”
\n*you’re familiar with terms like “fungo,” “dinger,” “chin music,” and “gopher”
\n*you refer to a provocative pose by your spouse as “scoring position”
\n*you refer to your local “fireman” as Sutter, Rivera, or Gossage
\n*you plan on watching EVERY pitch of the Pirates\/Marlins game on October 3rd–even though you also subscribe to the Playboy Channel
\n*you’ve worn stirrup socks and sliding pads under a three-piece suit
\n*you spit sunflower shells all over your living room carpet
\n*there’s a turnstile at the entrance of your home
\n*you have a spittoon–filled with OLD tobacco juice–somewhere in your dwelling
\n*you use a resin bag to improve your grip on utensils before eating
\n*you’ve been to AT LEAST a half-dozen minor league games this summer
\n*you have the urge to put a tarpaulin over your lawn every time it rains
\n*when someone mentions the surname of “Smith,” you immediately think of Ozzie, Lee, or Reggie–NOT Jaclyn
\n*you wear your funeral outfit the day after the final game of the World Series
\n*you’ve read the books “Ball Four” and “Joe, You Coulda Made Us Proud” more than once–and plan on reading both of them AGAIN
\n*you put on shin guards and a catcher’s mask shortly after you and your spouse begin arguing
\n*there’s a white line–made with crushed limestone–extending from your front door to your mailbox
\n*you own various major league baseball caps–complete with white sweat marks on them–but you REFUSE to wash them
\n*you do nothing but SMILE when someone asks you the manner in which guys like Bob Gibson, Pete Rose, and George Brett played\/approached the game
\n*you enjoy watching the Phillie Phanatic perform more than Billy Crystal or Robin Williams
\n*you use a pair of catcher’s mitts instead of oven mitts while baking
\n*you’re well-familiar with names like Ted Giannoulas, “Wild” Bill Hagy, and Karl Ehrhardt–and finally:
\n*you realize that money has ruined the game, but you continue to follow it simply because it’s BASEBALL<\/strong><\/p>\n

Bob Lazzari is an award-winning sports columnist for both Connecticut\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s <\/em>Valley Times<\/em> and NY Sports Day<\/a>, where his \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sports Roundup\u00e2\u20ac\u009d column is featured weekly. He is a member of the Connecticut Sports Writers\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Alliance and host of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Monday Night Sports Talk<\/a>,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d a cable television show on CTV\/Channel 14 in Connecticut.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yes, even though the game of baseball seems to be a shell of what it once was, many of us continue to be avid fans. Just WHAT constitutes a REAL fan? Well, you absolutely know you’re a TRUE baseball fan if: *you use pine tar to seal envelopes *you’re female and use burnt cork\/eye black […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":730,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[5907,4618,5908,95,220,5910,5911,5912,5916,5918,5905,5915,5904,5906,5914,5909,5913,5917,5903,1320],"class_list":["post-4234","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general","tag-aluminum-bat","tag-ballgame","tag-base-runners","tag-baseball-fans","tag-box-scores","tag-cellar-dweller","tag-chin-music","tag-deck-circle","tag-defensive-player","tag-doorbell","tag-downstairs-apartment","tag-god-bless-america","tag-grand-slam-breakfast","tag-hooters-calendar","tag-hot-dogs","tag-national-anthem","tag-pine-tar","tag-rheingold","tag-true-baseball-fan","tag-yankee-stadium"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t