The Most Sickening Event In The History of This Universe or Any Other

The Chicago White Sox opened the 2026 season by making the short drive north to Milwaukee to face the Brewers but left their hitting, pitching, dignity, humor, and religion behind, getting obliterated 14-2 in a contest so ugly it made you admire the blind and cry with the dead.

The Sox actually got off to a tremendous start, as Chase Meidroth became the first South Sider to ever hit a home run in the team’s very first at-bat of the season, giving the White Sox a 1-0 first inning lead.

But then the next three hours were worse than a Wes Anderson movie. At least those sometimes have Scarlett Johansson.

The White Sox struck out twenty times which, according to Major League Baseball, is only the ninth time in the last 125 years that a big league team whiffed twenty times in a nine-inning game. The first eight teams to do it are now burning in Hell.

After Meidroth’s home run, the White Sox spent the rest of the next eight innings making Chicagoans wish Abner Doubleday’s parents had never met. The Brewers, meanwhile, enjoyed timely hits, crafty walks, powerful home runs, and, we imagine, sex.

Do you remember the movie The Warriors, in which one of the street gangs wore baseball uniforms and clown makeup and got the shit kicked out of them? We White Sox fans realize now it was a documentary.

Besides Meidroth’s homer, the only bit of South Side sunshine in Milwaukee happened in the ninth inning when promising Sox newcomer Munetaka Murakami launched his first career MLB home run. That blast made the score 14-2 which means that if in addition to robot umpires baseball also adopted the magical 13-run homer the Sox would have had a chance.

Maybe Sox manager Will Venable should have argued with the robot umpires which really are not robots, as the human guys are still out there. But baseball does now have the Automated Ball-Strike System, which reversed a few calls in this game but could do nothing to change the fortunes of this flesh-and-blood booger buffet.

Should we be surprised by any of this? After all, over the last few seasons the White Sox have been so good at making people barf that the team has considered changing its name to Arby’s. But this is supposed to be the year the Sox turn this ship around and wait until Labor Day to get eliminated from playoff contention, not Memorial Day.

But we cannot say we didn’t have a great time. A day of baseball in Milwaukee can never be bad, even when it’s miserable. Milwaukee is gracious, the fans are sweet, the food is great and, as we drove back to Chicago through the cold steady rain, (thank God the dome was closed or we never would have lasted nine innings) we could not help but smile.

Baseball is often more foul than fair. But it’s always a wonder.